Theatre Horror Stories

Theatre Horror Story: Big City Folk (don’t know how to use a phone)

I’m a playwright and translator. A devout memeber of the Dramatists Guild. My plays have been produced across the country and in a couple places overseas.

I applied to a devleopment opportunity in New York City. Never been there before. Often I am outside the US and when I’m in the US, it’s not in New York City. It’s a lot closer to Salt Lake City. My play is about Mormon lesbians taking down Trump. It is the universal story.

horror_7
Artwork by Maiyal.

So I applied to the opportunity via Submittable and I got a response:

Residency1

A couple of things: a) I’m not a subway ride away from this theatre and b) My name has never been, is not, nor will never be “Leigh.”

Screen Shot 2019-09-25 at 8.22.46 PM

Oh, yeah, my play is called The Great Porn Caper. And it is awesome. You should probably know by now my name is Bryan. I’m the guy running this blog. Or maybe it runs me.

Screen Shot 2019-09-25 at 8.22.55 PM

Oh STFU. You meant “Leigh” – and I should explain that yes, this is indeed a self-production residency, but they’re supposed to provide the place, the tools, and the know-how (they call it a mentorship).

Screen Shot 2019-09-25 at 8.23.09 PM

I really wanted to say I was located in his garage. That would just be creepy. But I told him the truth.

3Screen Shot 2019-09-25 at 8.23.25 PM

Thanks for explaining this to me. Because I’m a child and don’t understand things. Talking down to people is so sexy!

reversed-hand-with-middle-finger-extended_1f595
Thank god for emoticons.

Screen Shot 2019-09-26 at 11.24.44 AM

Hehehe.

Screen Shot 2019-10-05 at 3.10.09 AM

 

I totally put the name and theatre up there, but then I wussed out. Meh. I’m going to use carbs to deal with my negative emotions:

WhatsApp Image 2019-10-03 at 8.32.23 PM
I picked my poison, thank you very much.

And no, I don’t have plans to go to NYC. Especially not for this über-tugs.

This isn’t the worst horror story I have. Hell, it ain’t even the most entertaining, but it is symbolic of the innate spankshaftedness of American theatre arrogance.

Do you have a theatre horror story??? Feel free to share it. You can remain anonymous.

Meanwhile, we still have Unknown Playwrights, monologues and more horror stories.

Thank you!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Female Playwrights, Playwrights of the Past, Unknown playwrights

Milk as Theatre (Rae Abraham, Estelle Silverman, Isabella H. Huggins, Victoria Heindel, Minnie H. Niemeier)

Today’s play is brought to us by the Child Health Organization of America which in 1921 published Health plays for school children as developed by teachers and pupils in public schools of Greater New York.

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 12.40.36 PM

It’s every bit as entertaining as the title implies.

The purpose is good, teaching children to be healthy through drama. However, it lends itself to supreme goofiness, especially considering half of the plays are pushing milk onto little kids.

They forget to mention that cows’ milk is linked to both higher rates of acne AND prostate cancer.

And about 2/3 of the planet are lactose intolerant.

In fact, there are so many of these milk plays, that today we’re doing a “milk only” special.

Unknown Playwrights: The Milk Edition

The Wizardry of Milk

Our first play, The Wizardry of Milk by Rae Abraham is a doozy.

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 6.17.11 AM

Today’s word of the day: Farmerette.

202000003364
She obeyed The Milk Wizard.

And now something for the ladies:

58331e841a00000b03cc90a4
Until the cows…never mind.

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 6.17.57 AM

This play is exceedingly basic. The Milk Wizard shows up and telles everyone to drink guess what? And like a bunch of sheeple, they agree.

In the aftermath of the massive bloodletting known as World War I, patriotism was high on milk’s virtues:

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 6.20.07 AM

At the end the Milk Wizard lectures the audience, because everyone loves self-righteous plays:

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 6.23.13 AM

Of course oat meal makes one strong. Just look at it.

oatmealaaa_featured
Yep.

Screen Shot 2019-04-18 at 7.28.32 PM

I just want to throw out there that Milk even makes cameos in the other plays. For example, in Estelle Silverman’s The Carpenters’ Union – milk shows up at the end…and the children are forced to write the word MILK with their bodies like some twisted, calcium-rich version of YMCA.

WhatsApp Image 2019-04-15 at 6.29.54 AM
Caption unnecessary.

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 6.33.29 AM

Estelle Silverman was assistant principal of PS 39 in Manhatten in the early 1920s.

Moving on…

Our Friend Milk

Isabel H. Huggins can claim the next piece, Our Friend Milk, which is slightly more entertaining than Our Friend Formaldehyde. 

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 6.26.02 AM

A couple of things: That girl dressed like milk is nobody’s friend.

And how often did the poor child have to break their bones until mommy “tired” of it? Like 5? 12?

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 6.36.34 AM

I wanna throw balls…

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 6.38.20 AM

Know thy enemy.

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 6.39.09 AM

Side effect of not drinking milk: Dreams of being chased by a bull.

So the Happy Children confront the Unhappy Children.

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 6.40.53 AM

Say what??? If the Happy Children are all like this dweeb, no wonder the other children are unhappy.

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 6.43.22 AM

All the Happy Children use peer pressure.

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 6.44.04 AM

Milk obtains another innocent child’s soul.

Isabella H. Huggins is listed in the 1920 NYC school teachers’ directory. She graduated from what is now Drexel University in 1900 and in 1904 was listed as a teacher of cookery in NYC. She apparently resigned in 1909.

The Magic Milk Game

Nor nearly as entertaining at The Skin Game, Victoria Heindel’s The Magic Milk Game offers the following:

Screen Shot 2019-04-18 at 7.27.03 PM

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 7.24.48 AM

Well, your name is Fat. Just sayin’.

Screen Shot 2019-04-18 at 7.25.04 PM

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 7.26.25 AM

Dr. Milk Bottle

Minnie H. Niemeier’s Dr. Milk Bottle is a bizarre climax to this little book of plays.

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 9.29.40 AM

Run, “vitamines” – RUN!!!!

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 9.30.13 AM

Seriously. This character looks like the offspring of Dr. Giggles and a milk bottle.

 

 

I can see it.

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 9.36.35 AM

Mary gets doublecast. “Pale Mary” vs. “Red-cheeked Mary.”

Pale Mary, full of grace…

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 9.38.43 AM

Again, milk doesn’t agree with 2/3 of humanity. But does Lillian care??? NO.

The other girls abandon her to the clutches of Dr. Milk Bottle and his goons.

Screen Shot 2019-04-18 at 7.17.58 PM

God, Protein. So judgmental.

teach her to like the thick curd of sour milk –” <<<< greatest line in Western drama since 1500.

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 9.44.27 AM

Hands cold; eyes lifeless…” Yeah, that’d be because she’s in mortal fear of the good doctor.

Screen Shot 2019-04-18 at 7.19.28 PM

“- a smooth, creamy sweetness -” When sugar starts talking to you, it’s time to lay off the mushrooms.

Screen Shot 2019-04-18 at 7.41.43 PM

Dr. Milk Bottle & Mr. Curd? Once Mary (through intense fear and self-prservation) pretends to like him, he becomes gentle.

BTW: “Please Dr. Milk Bottle, don’t let them cut me up and hammer nails into me.” is the NEW greatest line in Western drama since…ever?

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 10.00.18 AM

WTF Dr. Milk Bottle?

Only good Americans drink milk….because eugenics or something?

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 10.24.21 AM

trump-in-utah-with-sen-lee-1
Pictured: Pretty much the opposite of what Dr. Milk Bottle was talking about.

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 10.25.30 AM

Betcha didn’t know there’s THE LAXATIVE BROTHERS!

They force her from the stage.

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 10.37.47 AM

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 10.39.50 AM

And thus ends the saga of Dr. Milk Bottle’s abuse of Mary.

The book of plays itself is available here.

As you may have noticed, one of the characters is Sugar. 

Screen Shot 2019-04-15 at 10.40.20 AM

This kinda reminded me of the song Sugar, Sugar by the Archies.

Except there’s a fun version in Indonesian you can listen to.

These lyrics have nothing to do with sugar.

She’s REALLY into a new bike her mom gave her.