I’m a playwright and translator. A devout memeber of the Dramatists Guild. My plays have been produced across the country and in a couple places overseas.
I applied to a devleopment opportunity in New York City. Never been there before. Often I am outside the US and when I’m in the US, it’s not in New York City. It’s a lot closer to Salt Lake City. My play is about Mormon lesbians taking down Trump. It is the universal story.
So I applied to the opportunity via Submittable and I got a response:
A couple of things: a) I’m not a subway ride away from this theatre and b) My name has never been, is not, nor will never be “Leigh.”
Oh, yeah, my play is called The Great Porn Caper. And it is awesome. You should probably know by now my name is Bryan. I’m the guy running this blog. Or maybe it runs me.
Oh STFU. You meant “Leigh” – and I should explain that yes, this is indeed a self-production residency, but they’re supposed to provide the place, the tools, and the know-how (they call it a mentorship).
I really wanted to say I was located in his garage. That would just be creepy. But I told him the truth.
Thanks for explaining this to me. Because I’m a child and don’t understand things. Talking down to people is so sexy!
I totally put the name and theatre up there, but then I wussed out. Meh. I’m going to use carbs to deal with my negative emotions:
And no, I don’t have plans to go to NYC. Especially not for this über-tugs.
This isn’t the worst horror story I have. Hell, it ain’t even the most entertaining, but it is symbolic of the innate spankshaftedness of American theatre arrogance.
Do you have a theatre horror story??? Feel free to share it. You can remain anonymous.
Today’s play is brought to us by the Child Health Organization of America which in 1921 published Health plays for school children as developed by teachers and pupils in public schools of Greater New York.
It’s every bit as entertaining as the title implies.
The purpose is good, teaching children to be healthy through drama. However, it lends itself to supreme goofiness, especially considering half of the plays are pushing milk onto little kids.
In fact, there are so many of these milk plays, that today we’re doing a “milk only” special.
Unknown Playwrights: The Milk Edition
The Wizardry of Milk
Our first play, The Wizardry of Milk by Rae Abraham is a doozy.
Today’s word of the day: Farmerette.
And now something for the ladies:
This play is exceedingly basic. The Milk Wizard shows up and telles everyone to drink guess what? And like a bunch of sheeple, they agree.
In the aftermath of the massive bloodletting known as World War I, patriotism was high on milk’s virtues:
At the end the Milk Wizard lectures the audience, because everyone loves self-righteous plays:
Of course oat meal makes one strong. Just look at it.
I just want to throw out there that Milk even makes cameos in the other plays. For example, in Estelle Silverman’s The Carpenters’ Union – milk shows up at the end…and the children are forced to write the word MILK with their bodies like some twisted, calcium-rich version of YMCA.
Isabel H. Huggins can claim the next piece, Our Friend Milk, which is slightly more entertaining than Our Friend Formaldehyde.
A couple of things: That girl dressed like milk is nobody’s friend.
And how often did the poor child have to break their bones until mommy “tired” of it? Like 5? 12?
I wanna throw balls…
Know thy enemy.
Side effect of not drinking milk: Dreams of being chased by a bull.
So the Happy Children confront the Unhappy Children.
Say what??? If the Happy Children are all like this dweeb, no wonder the other children are unhappy.
All the Happy Children use peer pressure.
Milk obtains another innocent child’s soul.
Isabella H. Huggins is listed in the 1920 NYC school teachers’ directory. She graduated from what is now Drexel University in 1900 and in 1904 was listed as a teacher of cookery in NYC. She apparently resigned in 1909.
The Magic Milk Game
Nor nearly as entertaining at The Skin Game, Victoria Heindel’s The Magic Milk Game offers the following:
Well, your name is Fat. Just sayin’.
Dr. Milk Bottle
Minnie H. Niemeier’s Dr. Milk Bottle is a bizarre climax to this little book of plays.
Run, “vitamines” – RUN!!!!
Seriously. This character looks like the offspring of Dr. Giggles and a milk bottle.